Noa had the longest conversation he’d ever had with Dr. Maes in the morning. By the end, he felt much better about his decision. She gave him reassurances and some guidance, and he felt more prepared about telling the truth. She offered to be there with him, but he declined. He wanted to talk to everyone himself.

Dr. Maes also made sure he had permission to have everyone come into his room. Everything was ready. He just had to wait for Peter to round everyone up. Then he could tell them, followed by his aunt and uncle. And…

Noa was still nervous. He felt sick. He didn’t want to have to say it. He was scared about how they’d react.

But he had to do it. He needed to. It was the right thing to do.

His father was right. He needed to accept what they thought of him. If they forgave him or not, that was his punishment. It wasn’t going to be easy, but it had to be done.

And maybe it would protect Rion too. Maybe it would help him.

He owed it to Rion to do everything in his power to make things right.

Surprisingly, Sarina was the first to arrive. She came in timidly, like she was expecting to be thrown right out.

“Hi, Noa,” she said.

“Hi,” he said in response.

He didn’t know what else to say to her. He wasn’t expecting her to be there first. He was still upset with her for hurting Rion, and he only invited her so that he could tell her the truth and then send her away. He wanted her to be mad with him so they could both be done. After that, he never wanted to see her again.

“It’s been a while, huh,” Sarina said.

“Yeah,” Noa said. “Did you come with the others?”

“No. I came on my own. It’s just me.”

She was shifting, picking with the sleeve of her winter coat. At least she looked uncomfortable. She should be after what she did to Rion.

“It’s kind of weird. I haven’t heard you talk this much in a long time,” Sarina said. “You, uh… You feeling better?”

“I guess.”

“That’s good. This place looks really… I mean, wow. It’s not a white padded room, but it’s pretty close.”

“I guess.”

“Um…”

Sarina shifted from foot to foot, self-conscious.

“I, uh… I kind of owe you an apology,” she said. “I mean… I guess you know, but… There was this whole misunderstanding about the friendship bracelets–”

“You beat up Rion,” Noa said.

Sarina grimaced. “Yeah. I did. I thought it was him. But that’s not an excuse. I’ve been thinking a lot, and… I’m sorry, Noa.”

Noa didn’t have the tiniest bit of sympathy for her.

“I don’t want you to apologize to me,” Noa said. “Tell Rion you’re sorry. He’s the person you hurt. And if you ever hurt him again…”

“I won’t!” Sarina said. “I mean, I won’t hurt him. Not anymore. And I did apologize… Well, okay. It was a shitty apology. I owe him a real one.”

“Good,” Noa said.

Sarina opened her mouth, took a breath, and then closed it. She swallowed hard, shifting around some more. She looked so incredibly uncomfortable.

“I know I’m an asshole,” she said. “I know I’m a bitch. But I don’t want to be that person anymore. And I know that you’re really upset with me, and you should be. I just wanted to say that I’m going to do better. I’m going to be better, and… Do you think that maybe one day we could be friends again?”

Noa didn’t know about ‘again’. He didn’t think they’d been friends in the first place.

But Sarina was looking at him like she might cry. It seemed like she really meant what she said. And then Noa thought about his own situation and what his father said.

You can’t decide how other people feel.

But Noa could decide how he felt. And he could decide what he did and said.

“If you really mean it, if you really change, and if you never, ever hurt Rion again…” Noa began and then gave a small nod, “…then maybe.”

Sarina perked up.

“I will! I’ll totally change!” she said. “You have no idea! I’m already working on it! I’ve asked Celeste to help me with a bunch of stuff. Actually, because I’m hanging around Celeste, Jolie said she doesn’t want to hang out anymore, which sucks… But I talked to Monique too, and she said she would help me be a more interesting person. So, I think I can do it. I want to do it.”

Before Noa could answer, the door opened again. Celeste and Danny came in.

“Oh, you’re already here,” Celeste said to Sarina. “Hey.”

“Hi, Noa,” Danny added with a wave. “Wow, you… You look rough. Are you okay?”

“I’m all right,” he said.

A moment later, Jesse and Peter came in.

“Hey,” Peter said. “Oh, good. That’s everyone.”

It was getting crowded. Noa was feeling overwhelmed. He met Jesse’s gaze and immediately looked down.

Jesse was going to be the hardest to face.

He loved Amber so, so much.

“Okay, so… There’s not really any chairs,” Danny said.

“I don’t need to sit,” Celeste said. “Um… Do you think we’ll be here for a while?”

“It’s up to Noa,” Peter said.

Noa was more anxious than he’d been in a long time. He struggled to find the right words, but he didn’t know where to start. He tried to remember what Dr. Maes told him, how it had gone when he’d told her everything.

“I…” Noa began, voice catching. He stopped and tried again. “I have to talk to you about what happened to Amber…”

The silence that followed that was deafening. It stretched on painfully. Noa was scared to open his mouth again, scared to follow that statement up with the truth.

“What happened?” Peter finally said. “You were at the cabin…”

“We were at the cabin,” Noa repeated, happy for a starting point, even though his voice trembled. “We went for a walk. It was me and Rion and Amber. No one else was around.”

At least, he couldn’t remember anyone else being around. No one was there. Not until after the fire started.

“We took the trail behind the cabin that… It… We were talking and Amber…”

“Did she slip?”

Noa looked up at Jesse, blinking. His gaze was piercing and Noa had to look away again. He felt goosebumps along his arms.

‘Amber slipped.’

Those were Rion’s words. He’d said it enough times to Noa. Rion’s story would always be that Amber slipped and fell and that he took her and electrocuted her.

But that wasn’t what happened.

“No,” Noa said. “We got into an argument.”

“An argument?” Peter said. “Rion didn’t mention that.”

“That’s because…because Rion’s a good friend,” Noa said. “He was the only one who… He kept secrets for me. He was the only one I ever told…that I was hurting myself.”

There was another heavy silence following that remark. Noa struggled to know what to say next.

“But… But you don’t have scars on your arms or anything,” Sarina said, her voice high and stressed like she was holding back tears. Noa didn’t risk looking at her. “We would have noticed if you were cutting…”

“I wasn’t cutting,” Noa said. His throat felt tight. “I was… I was burning myself, mostly. I didn’t want people to know. I would… I did it to my feet or my legs or… I didn’t want people to see it. I would pinch and scratch and…”

He had to stop. He wasn’t ready to talk about this. He wasn’t ready to tell them that. And he didn’t want to show them all the scars he carefully hid.

Because he still hurt himself sometimes, when he could. He would dig his fingers into himself hard enough to leave cuts with his nails or bruises with his fingertips. He would bite the inside of his mouth until he tasted metal. He would pull at his hair, and…

He wasn’t ready to tell them about his bad days. He didn’t want to.

“I didn’t know,” Peter said. “I mean, I found out that it was a problem after Mom and Dad said…  Why didn’t you tell us? Do you still hurt yourself? Noa–”

“I don’t want to talk about that right now,” Noa said, keeping his eyes down. “I don’t want… I’ve only ever told Rion.”

“Wait, so Rion knew?” Danny said.

Noa nodded.

“And he didn’t tell anyone?” Celeste said, her voice wavering and small.

“No,” Noa said. “Because Rion’s a good friend. Talking to him made me feel better. When we talked… I’d hurt myself less. He would never tell anyone.”

“But… Wait. What does that have to do with Amber?” Danny asked.

“She found out,” Noa said. “She found my matches. She… That’s what we argued about that day. I didn’t want to talk about it. She was really, really worried. Amber…”

The words stuck and he closed his eyes, taking a breath. He had to force everything out. He had to keep going.

“I tried to walk away. I wanted to go back to the cabin. We were on the path right behind where it’s really steep. Amber grabbed my arm, and I…”

He wanted to be free. He wanted her to let go. He wanted it to stop.

“I pushed her.”

Noa hid his face in his hands. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to remember how she’d been holding onto him and all of his emotions spiked. He’d been angry, upset, afraid. He’d pushed her away, and then she was falling backwards off the trail, eyes wide, fixed on him.

He could still feel her gaze on him. He could still feel her watching.

“I pushed her,” Noa said again, voice unsteady. It felt like his mouth was going numb. “I pushed her, and she fell. She hit a tree really hard. It made this awful sound, and then… She was gone.”

He stopped, expecting interruptions. There weren’t any. He had to force himself to keep going.

“We climbed down the slope. She was at the bottom. We couldn’t leave her there. We picked her up together. We brought her inside, and the…the camera…”

Noa felt sick. He remembered the sound so clearly.

“Rion had the camera around his neck, and it…it went off a bunch. It took pictures of us carrying Amber… You can see it. You can… And when we put her down… There was blood. There was blood everywhere. It was on my jacket, and my hands, and it…”

He was breathing too hard, wringing his hands at the memory. His breath was coming too short. It felt too real.

He couldn’t stop. He had to keep going.

Keep talking. Keep talking.

“Rion… Rion took her to the bathroom,” Noa said. “I just sat there. I… There was an awful sound, the worst sound. It was… And then the cabin was on fire, and it smelled so bad, and…and Rion was still in the bathroom. I… He… He was sitting there and Amber… Amber was in the… She was… The blow dryer…. I couldn't... I had to get Rion, and he… I touched him, and he pushed me, and I… I put my hand on the burning wall and then… Then Rion… He dragged me out, and… I threw up… And everything burned…”

He wasn’t sure he was coherent. He didn’t think he made much sense. The memories jumbled together, and he remembered more about what he heard and smelt.

That horrible burning smell and the pain in his hand, the bile in his throat.

“I killed Amber,” he said, choking on his own breaths. Or, no… He was crying. He hadn’t even realized. “I killed her. I pushed her and she fell and she… Rion… Rion tried to protect me. He…he did something so horrible… He didn’t want anyone to blame me. He… He’s my best friend. Please… Please don’t be mad at him…”

He curled in on himself, hating himself.

But it was done. He said it.

They could hate him now. Or not.

Noa didn’t know. He wasn’t even sure he cared. He felt so awful and sick. He just wanted it to be over.

“You… It was an accident, right?” Danny said.

Noa couldn’t answer. He couldn’t look up at him.

Was it an accident? Did it matter? He didn’t mean for Amber to get hurt. He wanted to free his arm. But she was still dead because of him.

“You didn’t mean to hurt her,” Celeste said.

“That’s right,” Peter said. “It sounds like an accident.”

“Amber wanted to help me. And I killed her,” Noa eventually said, his voice wavering. He still couldn’t look up at them. “It’s all my fault. I should have… I should have talked to her. I should have… She was worried about me, and I…”

“I figured it was something like that,” Sarina said.

She sounded the calmest and most collected out of everyone. He almost couldn’t believe how her voice had evened out and become so level.

“You said that to Rion, didn’t you, Noa,” Sarina continued. “You said you killed Amber. You said it was your fault. And then he flipped out and…did what he did. That’s how it went, right?”

“I said it because it’s true,” Noa said. “It was my fault. I’m the one who… It was me.”

“I wish you went for help or even told us the truth when it happened,” Peter said. “But… You made mistakes and what’s done is done. We can’t change it now.”

Noa finally glanced up, hesitant. “You’re…not mad?”

Looking at them, none of them seemed happy. Everyone in the room was obviously upset. But none of them looked enraged like he expected. None of them tried to hurt him or…anything else.

“I’m upset,” Peter said. “I’m really, really upset. But Rion told us pretty much the same story. We just didn’t know about the fight. Or that Amber grabbed you, and… That’s the truth, right?”

Noa nodded. “That’s what happened. And I hate it. And I want to change it, but I can’t. You should be mad at me. You should hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Peter said.

“Same here,” Danny said, glancing away, scrubbing at the back of his neck. “It’s like… This whole situation is the worst thing, and I hate it. But you didn’t mean to hurt Amber, and you feel really bad. It was… It was like the world’s worst accident.”

“I agree with Peter,” Celeste said. “I really think you should have told someone, Noa. I think… This would be a lot easier if we knew what really happened. But, well… We can’t take any of it back.”

“I totally forgive you,” Sarina added. “It’s obvious that none of this is your fault. Yeah, it’s fucked up. Amber shouldn’t have died, but it’s not your fault at all.”

“I hope you’re not still blaming Rion,” Danny said, giving her a look.

Sarina waved a hand. “Don’t worry about that. That’s whatever.”

This whole time, Jesse still hadn’t said anything. Noa was afraid to look his way. He wasn’t sure what to say or how to face him…

“Thank you, Noa.”

When Jesse finally spoke, Noa gave him a hesitant glance.

Jesse didn’t look happy, but he didn’t look angry either. He looked resigned and bitter and sad.

“Why…?” Noa said. “Why are you thanking me?”

“Because you told us the truth,” Jesse said. “Now I know what happened. Thank you.”

The words were dropped like a weight. They were flat, hollow, empty.

Noa wanted to say something, but ‘you’re welcome’ would have felt too wrong.

He wanted to say that he wished things were different, that he wanted Amber to be alive. He wanted to say that he would do anything to change what happened. He wanted to say that he was stupid and wrong and terrible and gross… There weren’t ever going to be enough words to express what he wanted to communicate.

Everything stuck in his throat. All he could do was look down again, feeling sick and exhausted.

“Um…” Danny began, clearing his throat. “I think, uh… I think I need a minute. I’m feeling kind of hot, and…”

“Same here,” Celeste said. “Maybe we should head downstairs for a bit.”

“I’ll stay a little longer,” Peter said.

“Okay,” Sarina said. “See you in a bit.”

The others filed out of the room. Then it was just Noa and Peter.

“Are you going to be okay?” Peter asked.

“I don’t know,” Noa said.

“I don’t mean long term. I mean… Do you want me to get Dr. Maes or anyone else? Do you need anything?”

“…Why aren’t you mad?” Noa asked.

Peter was silent for a moment. He came over and took a seat next to Noa on the bed.

“Rion told us everything,” Peter said. “There were just a couple things that he left out. One was the camera and the other was your involvement. We knew that you did something. We just didn’t know what it was. We were prepared. And, honestly? I was a little scared you might have done something much worse.”

“Worse?” Noa said. “How could it be worse?”

“It feels like every time I find out something else, it’s somehow even more horrible than before,” Peter said. “I was worried that maybe you pushed her on purpose or–”

“No!” Noa said sharply. “I would never! I didn’t want to hurt her! I just… I just wanted to get my arm free…”

“I know,” Peter said. He put an arm around Noa’s shoulders. Noa leaned into him, his eyes immediately filling with fresh tears. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I know you loved Amber, and she loved you. This whole thing is a huge mess.”

“Yeah,” Noa said, his voice wavering.

“You’re sorry, right?”

“Sorrier than I’ve ever been about anything in my whole life.”

“Me too. I’m sorry that things happened the way they did. And I’m sorry that I wasn’t there with you and Rion and Amber. If I’d come with you, maybe things would have been different.”

Noa didn’t know what to say to that. He reached up and scrubbed his face. Peter gave him a squeeze.

“Thank you for telling us the truth,” Peter added, just like Jesse had. Only he sounded more sincere.

“Do you think that Aunt Elaine and Uncle Charlie will hate me?” Noa asked.

“No,” Peter said. “I think they’ll understand. But they’re going to be hurt.”

“My father wants me to go live with him,” Noa said. “I think… I think I want to. Maybe that’s better, because if everyone’s upset…”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Peter said, “but you’ll come back, right?”

Noa gave a stiff nod. “I can’t leave Rion behind.”

“Right… Rion. That’s a good point,” Peter said.

Noa looked up at him. “If I leave with Father and go to Japan for a while, would you make sure Rion’s okay while I’m gone? You said that he…”

Noa didn’t want to abandon Rion. He didn’t want to come back and find out that his best friend killed himself while he was gone. He couldn’t handle that. He couldn’t live with that. It was too horrible.

“I’ll check on him,” Peter said. “I don’t think Dr. Maes will let him leave the hospital until she’s sure he’s okay. He’ll be safe.”

“I hope so,” Noa said. “I’m worried about him.”

“Me too.”